life & love in transition

This journal will be a resource for each of us to post our thoughts througout TJ's transition, and the changes in our relationship.

We have both needed a space to voice our thoughts, emotions, etc. throughout what we have been through together so far, therefore, the intention of our shared journal is to provide a shared safe space for each of us to speak about what each of us is experiencing in our relationship, both as a result of TJ's transition, and in general.

In a trans relationship, each partner undergoes many changes. We wanted to make sure that we both have a voice and a safe space to share our thoughts.

In addition, we are hoping that what we share may be useful for other trans individuals and their partners throughout their transitions as well.

Sarah & Teej



Our significant others are not observers of 'our' oppression. They are not 'related' to our movement. All of our significant others are partners in the life-changing experience of trans consciousness and struggle.
~ Leslie Feinberg

Not sure what to say or why I'm posting it here - just felt like it I guess.

I've received my referral to the CAMH (previously known at the Clarke) Gender Identity Clinic. The process is utterly terrifying, to say the least. And, I feel like I won't be treated like a human being, but rather like a manifestation of a disease that must be treated.

I have yet to decide whether I will follow up with this organization in particular. I need to look into other potential options - and hope with all of my being that there are other options.

Part of what makes this process so daunting is feeling as if I don't have constant support. For while I do have awesome and supportive friends, they have their own lives, their own partners, etc. It's all just really, really scary and I feel like transitioning this far has already torn apart certain aspects of my life. There's more to everything than my transition, of course, but it's easy for things to become really clouded by it.

It's been two months since the last post in this journal. ...I still feel the same in some ways. Trapped, isolated, suffocating.

I've packed all the thoughts I could string together and a few other things into an envelope that will travel further than I ever have. And, I hope it finds her well.

Right now I know we are in a place where it's hard to see what will happen in the end. Everything is so raw.

I want to write a long post about what I'm feeling. And, explain where I'm at with the trans stuff. Explain why I feel so trapped, so suffocated.
I want to be able to explain what's going on so you know that the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you, to make you feel like I don't want you in my life.

The problem is - I can't think, or speak. I'm having so much trouble navigating it for myself.

Here's what I can say for now:
- Everytime I hear 'she' i feel absolutely invisible. As if people can't see me at all. As if I'm disappearing and this process will never end.
- I feel like I have to live up to some standard of gender that I just don't fit into.
- I need to figure out a bunch of stuff and get back on track.
- My personal stuff combined with distance, lack of communication, erc, etc, etc... is very daunting at the moment.

And, most importantly:
I love you always.

I will be the first to admit that this is fucking hard and so scary.  It is something I don’t fully understand yet and I wonder how it will change everything.  Circumstances have made this doubly hard- being in a long distance relationship AND trying to adjust and be supportive through this transition.

While I don’t regret pursuing my education overseas, I do very much regret that it does not let us be us.  Had I known then that I had a chance at such a relationship, my decisions would have been different.  So now, I try to be supportive by phone, I don’t get to see the changes TJ is going through which makes it all the more difficult to be the support he needs of me.

I know TJ doesn’t want to be the exception to the rule in terms of my attraction.  I am attracted to women.  And at the moment, he is the exception.  If I could alter my base urges I would.  Fortunately, I like butch…

And while it is difficult to see TJ so unhappy with his body as it is now, I know that with the surgery he seeks he will eventually be able to like the body he sees in the mirror everyday.  And that will be amazing. 

Despite what feels like insurmountable challenges I would not change what I have with TJ.  Regardless of gender, this is a person who sees me for me.  I know that TJ will take the time I need to overcome my fears and not fault me for it.  And this is something worth working on- we have a real chance to make this last.

Draft Begun on May 30, 2007.

I was so afraid that it would come to this. That I would feel like I lost touch completely.
I don't know where to go from here and I'm not sure that you'll ever look at me and see someone that can be a part of your life.

The last thing I wanted was for anyone to hurt. Yet here we are. And, things have been hurting for a while.
I'm sorry. I wish that those words could sound more sincere, and truly express what I mean for them to say - I hate how sorry's always sound so hollow, even when paired with the deepest of good intentions.

I don't want to lose you. I hope I haven't made it impossible for us to be something more than nothing at all.
I meant it everytime I said I love you, and it's still true now.

I hope that posting this doesn't push you further away.

Alrighty, its my turn to introduce myself so here goes...



I'm typically not much for words, but anything you want to know just give me a yell. :D
~Sarah

Uhm, a little about me:

~ TJ